I went to the wildflower center on a Saturday morning and spent some time walking around and praying.
I walked by a bluebonnet field, and since it was fall, there were no flowers, so it was seemingly barren, but wait until the spring! It reminded me that I need to wait for the right time. Be patient.
What are my spiritual gifts? Listening to what friends say, pastoring 1:1, encouragement, compassion, giving, wisdom. Kind and gentle. Don't complicate. Don't be in a hurry to see something grand. Exercise them.
Invest in the things you know draw you to Christ. Revisit the list you made. Make prayer a priority. Make the word a priority.
You hear the quiet and beautiful voice of nature. Remind people of that voice. Express it in word and song.
Build up the church and use your gifts to serve wherever you are. Follow the things that draw you to Christ. You know they will lead you in the right direction. Do not think you need to travel abroad to do that. Do not stay at home if Christ is calling you abroad. Do not be afraid of a normal life, if you are truly pursuing Christ.
Abilities? Web dev, writing words, music, reading, teaching? Teaching others about Christ is the best gift you can give. You can use these abilities for God right where you are.
Don't be afraid to go spend some time at a field office abroad, to volunteer to help out with your specific skills and to pay your own way. What a thing to save for! Also, don't wait until then.
You do have a desire to cultivate plants and flowers. Perhaps living in a rural area? Creating a sanctuary and inviting others into it (Jamails are example). Remember Merton: you go out into the wilderness to be sent back into the city. There is no use being holy by yourself. You need to be loving and serving other people. Don't run away.
Pain- loneliness, art anxiety, purposelessness, selfishness.
Passions- healing from slavery and human trafficking, food and water for poor, gospel above all to restore, artists finding and sharing joy and peace.
Again, God was faithful to come near to me when I drew near to him, and to comfort me and teach me.